Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
(Norma) 'They say that, when you die, your life flashes before your eyes.
'God, I hope not. Watching this shite one time is hard enough.
'I don't think I could sit through it all again.
'No telling what my life would've been like if I hadn't have met her.
'But look at us - no family, no real friends,
'nobody to share the bed with at night. Nowt.'
Don't you worry about that, you just arrange the fights.
I'll get the boxers for you, OK?
Fine.
Would you like to try out a new line of fruit machines
guaranteed to never pay out?
Give you a family discount, 10% off.
Maguire in name, not in nature.
Family discount on these... say two for the price of one?
Fine.
On the house.
Thank you.
(Norma) 'You find yourself sitting miles away from where you wanted to be,
'thinking, "How the fuck did I end up here?"
'Simple answer.
'You ended up here cos you're an idiot. You deserve it.
'You had every chance in the world to make something of yourself and you blew it.
DRUNKEN SHOUTING
'End of story.'
< CRASHING
< SPLINTERING WOOD
What?
- I think there's somebody downstairs. - It's probably lan.
< No, no, he's at home.
Jamie!
< GLASS SMASHES
Stay here.
QUIET LAUGHTER
Jamie?
< It's good to see you, though.
< You too, mate.
< Cheers, man.
Karen, eh...
I didn't realise it was Buy The Burglar A Drink Week.
No, this is an old mate of mine.
Cellmate, actually. Mark.
Didn't they teach you to ring doorbell in jail?
Sorry about the unsociable hour.
I just got out a few weeks ago. I was going to surprise Jamie boy, here,
but financial constraints meant I had to hitch and by the time
I showed it was a bit late so jimmied the door rather than wake you up.
Hee-haw!
Christ, I forgot about that!
It's a running joke we had inside.
Every time someone talked about breaking in somewhere, we'd...!
BOTH LAUGH
- I guess you had to be there, eh? - Guess you did.
Anyway, I'll leave you to it.
Some of us need our beauty sleep.
- We'll try and keep the noise down. - Landed on your feet there, mate.
- Yeah, life's pretty good. - Sure.
Could always be better though, eh?
There you go, mate.
- You cook this? - Yeah.
- He's good at it. - I'm in the Twilight Zone.
It's only bacon and eggs.
A Maguire in gainful employment. Now what's the real story here?
This place? Got to be a front for some kind of scam.
It's a pub, that's all.
Yeah... He tried jail once. Didn't suit him.
- Do you want ketchup? - Cheers.
You open it for me.
You big baby. Right...
< See what you got then.
< Four Ds and two Cs. That's well good. Well done!
Very good.
Hang on...
Four Ds and two Cs.
Think I'm thick, don't you?
(AIl) No! Course not!
Great that, Carl.
(Frank) Great, really good, yeah...
...in its own way.
< You OK?
What do you think?
Get an OK job with them results. Factory or something.
I don't want to work in a factory. I want to be someone, you know?
Not just another fuckin' loser.
You've always got resits.
It won't matter, cos I'm fucking stupid.
GLASS SMASHES
Nice going, brainiac(!)
What the fuck?! Who was that?
- It were an accident. - Huh?!
- It were an accident. - Well, it better had have been!
Go on, then!
Do whatever it is you're going to do! Stick one on my jaw, whatever!
Sincerely doubt you could take a punch from me!
How much do you weigh?
About 140 Ibs or so?
Guess...
You guess?
Come with me.
It's all right. I'm not going to hurt you.
Catholic Boys' Club.
Don't let the name put you off.
The only buggering goes on in here is in the ring.
Right, let's get you some gloves. Billy?
I've never boxed before.
Well, there's you and then there's the other guy, right?
You have to hit him harder than he hits you.
Congratulations, you've passed basic training.
I know what it is, it's just... I don't think I'd be any good at it.
Some people are born into greatness,
some have greatness thrust upon them.
Others just run away fast as they can. Nothing wrong with that.
You know your place in the world. Content to be a nobody.
BELL RINGS
Piss off, will ya!
BELL RINGS
Hey, looks like we've got ourselves a natural here, lads, eh?
You've sort of ruined things for me.
Sorry?
When I got out, I was looking forward to catching up with him...
spending some time, you know... mates.
Stay here as long as you want, within reason.
I like you Karen, but... you can't change him.
Sticking him in here, responsible citizen and all that...
doesn't change who he is.
I think I know my own husband.
I was there before he even knew you existed...
and I'll be there long after you've gone.
We had plans and you're not going to change that.
Take your fucking hands off me.
Fair warning, Karen, that's all.
One day you'll thank me.
Hand...
now.
Auntie Shaza!
Hiya! You never said you were calling!
I know.
- Good to see you! - You too.
Norma, this is Shaza. Shaza, Norma.
- Hiya. - You got any presents for me?
Today I've got something for your mum.
Flowers?
I say, you're much more traditional than I thought. Put us all to shame!
What are you on about?
Meena... getting married.
Eh?!
Say that again.
I don't think I want to.
An arranged marriage? What the hell were you thinking?
I'm 16, I can do what I want.
Like fuck you can!
Who is he? Who is he?
His name's Shahid, all right?
He's a doctor. Well, a medical student.
Once he's finished his degree at... Bahria University.
Bahria? Where the fuck's that, then? >
It's in Islamabad.
Pakistan.
- I don't believe this. - His family have given their blessing...
Not without speaking to me first, they haven't!
I've sort of already spoken to 'em. I had to speak for you.
There is no way in shittin' hell
I'm letting you bugger off to Pakistan for an arranged marriage!
Gi' me their number.
Auntie Shaza...
Just give her the number.
No, you can't make me.
Yes, I fucking can!
Same again, mate.
It's weird... You haven't mentioned it once.
Mentioned what?
What we discussed... inside.
Things are different now.
Yeah, but you and me...
Smart. It's the opportunities, the perfect crime.
That was always the aim. We spent enough time talking about it.
Mark... It was just talk, yeah?
I didn't want to have to tell you this. You owe me.
Yeah. I know I do.
I know you've got a lot to lose... but think of what you've got to gain.
You gonna spend the rest of your life pulling pints in some shitty pub?
Think that's a life for you? For Karen?
This shitty pub is our home!
I'm just trying to help him out. What kind of mate wouldn't do that?
I don't know.
Maybe the sort of mate who grabs his wife when his back's turned!
What are you trying to say? I tried to touch you up?!
- Mark! - I'd never do that, I swear!
He put his hand on my arm.
We were just having a chat.
What else did he do?
Well, nothing, but that's not the point...
It sounds like a misunderstanding, yeah?
I'm sorry Karen, if, er... I invaded your personal space or whatever.
But it wasn't intentional. I'm sorry.
Hey.
There's something you should know about me and Mark.
When I first went to jail, a lot of people recognised the name, you know?
The Maguire curse.
Nothing I couldn't handle on a one-to-one basis,
but then there was a bunch of 'em.
MEN SHOUTING
Mark waded in with a lead pipe,
cracked some skulls, got me out of there.
If he hadn't, they wouldn't have stopped, Karen.
I wouldn't be here.
I wouldn't have met you, nothing.
Mark got another year added on to his sentence because of that.
I owe him, Karen.
What about us?
Jesus, you go on about the Maguire curse.
We're meant to be beyond all that.
You and me.
This isn't gonna be another fuckin' Maguire marriage
where the woman spends half the night
waiting up for a knock on the door from the police or whatever.
I know. I know.
You've got a choice.
You don't get it, do you?
There's no choice.
It's you every time, no questions.
Then you'll ask him to go.
Karen, please.
"There's no choice," you said.
SHE IMITATES LIGHTSABER Luke!
Jesus!
Sorry, er... I was just...
Fighting the forces of evil?
Aye, yeah, well, it passes the time.
Yvonne sent me to get some groceries.
Oh, aye - help yourself!
Cheers. Hey, don't mind me, you know, if you want to get on...
Aye, no, I'm all right. Thanks.
Oh.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
You've not even opened your exam results.
And already, you're pissing your future away.
- Well? - One A, one C and the rest Bs.
You've got real prospects there.
GCSEs mean nothing.
I don't want to end up like everyone else round here,
slaving away in shitty jobs.
Like me, you mean?
Yeah, like you.
OK.
YVONNE SIGHS
Whatever you want, Meena.
I mean, some of these guys look quite fit - in both ways.
Yeah.
Maybe it were a fluke. I mean, one lucky punch and I think I'm Tyson.
< Ah, nonsense!
Do you know what's the greatest weapon a boxer can have?
Big hands?
Knowing your strengths.
And I don't just mean physical.
Mental, too.
Visualise the win.
That's half the battle.
You're gonna win today, Carl, and you're gonna keep on winning.
Trust me. Before you know it, you're gonna be fighting
for the Catholic Boys' Club North West Memorial Junior Middleweight title.
'Carl Gallagher! '
THEME FROM "ROCKY"
CHEERING
Let's do it!
Yeah! Come on, box 'em up! Come on!
BELL RINGS
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Sit down! That's right, sit down!
THEME FROM "ROCKY" CONTINUES
Six. Faster. One more, do one more. Come on!
- Great. - Fuckin' hell.
# Gonna fly now!
# Flying high now
# Gonna fly
# Fly
# Fly! #
Are you all right, love? You're sweating a bit!
CAR ALARM SOUNDS
I'm really sorry about this.
Nah, fuck it.
Only kicking your best mate out on the street.
I take it you're not interested in this job then?
Sorry.
Fuckin' hell.
You have changed.
The old Jamie would have at least asked the details,
got a bit interested.
No, forget it.
I know the score. Everyone's fuckin' sorry.
Listen, do us a favour and call at one of those cash places on the way.
Mum bunged me a cheque for me birthday.
Sorry, man. I didn't realise. Happy birthday.
No big deal. It's only ten fuckin' quid.
Cheers, mother.
Hiya.
Not battling the Dark Side this afternoon then?
Do you fancy a drink later?
What, is this a joke?
No.
Yvonne or someone trying to be funny.
No. Just me asking you out for a drink.
Huh! You're not a lesbian.
I am.
Man, no you're not.
Jesus, it wasn't meant to be a big deal.
If you just say yes or no, I can piss off and plan me evening.
Yes.
Good. Thanks.
See you later, then. Jockey, at eight?
What?
Nothing. I... I'll be back in a tick.
ALARM RINGS
< Go, go, go!
Oh, Jesus, no!
- No fuckin' way. - We've got to go.
Stupid bastard. I told you, I don't do that shit any more.
Listen, listen...
You won't owe me anything. Jamie, now.
DISTANT SIRENS
Fuck!
ENGINE REVS
HUMS TO HERSELF
Why don't you do that in the house?
It's all right. Didn't want to bother you.
I'm going on a date tonight.
SHE LAUGHS
No, no. I am.
Oh. Sorry.
It's just a bit hard, trying to imagine you on a date.
Are you not bothered, then?
Why would I be bothered?
No, go on out. Have some fun.
Only, don't do that thing where you talk about yourself all the time
cos it can be really tiresome.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to be nice to me sometimes.
I am being nice.
DISTANT SIRENS
STEAM HISSES FROM RADIATOR
FOOTSTEPS RUNNING
SIRENS APPROACH
Hmm, let's see.
What, actually, you've been out with properly or just dated?
Proper ones.
Erm, a couple of months or more at least.
Mmm, three.
No, four.
I ended two, and two, I was, well... dumped.
It's quite a good 50/50 score.
There's no hard feelings, no broken crockery, and well,
I'm sure they'd all give me a decent reference.
What about you?
BOTH LAUGH
Aye, there was someone. I split up with 'em, though.
They got a bit clingy. They couldn't move on.
What happened?
They died.
Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it was a good death.
A good death being?
Better not to talk about it.
You know, the last thing you want is me talking about meself.
Be boring.
Same again?
Yeah, thanks.
I don't know where the fuck Jamie is. Cheers for doing this shift.
Aye.
< Pint and a spritzer, please.
So, how's it going?
Oh, don't act like you give a toss, eh?
It's all right, I'm just going to the loo.
I thought you weren't gonna let domestics get in the way of work.
Yeah. It's not easy being married to a Maguire. Or being one of 'em.
- You're not one of 'em. - Yeah?
< Killed anyone recently?
No.
Broken anyone's legs?
No.
So I'm guessing you haven't tied anyone to the back of your car
and dragged 'em up and down the street.
Who did that?
Paddy. Last week - paperboy.
Fucking hell.
See, you're all right.
Sorry.
Nice night?
Yeah, so far.
Break her heart, I'll break your face.
What?!
You heard.
(Monica) I'm tired. I want to go home.
That was weird.
What was?
That woman over there
just had a word with me about you in the toilets.
Oh, fuck. Look, whatever she said, right, about us...
She's on medication. She's proper loopy, like.
No, she didn't say anything bad about you. Quite the opposite. Very over-protective.
Oh.
You all right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Rockin'.
Great. Cheers.
What you doing?
Dishes.
You don't have to do that.
- Here. - What's that?
For your vaccinations for Pakistan.
Hepatitis A and Typhoid.
Have you sorted your spends out?
Well, no.
I suppose your husband'll sort that out, won't he?
Yeah.
Mum, I need my footy strip for tomorrow.
Washed and ironed, on your bed.
And you'd best play good - I'll be watching.
Don't shout abuse from the touchline again - it's embarrassing.
Mum?
How do I go about getting the jabs sorted and that?
You're an adult. I'm sure you can work it out for yourself.
- Yeah, but... - Oh, my God! It's on the bed!
This is beyond a joke.
I'm gonna kill Jamie.
It does not take this long to drive to the bus station and back,
no matter how pissed off you are.
PHONE RINGS NEARBY
(Man) Pint, please
Cheers.
I heard what you said to Shaza in the bogs.
I didn't mean to ruin things.
Oh, well you did, but...
in a good way, cos now I know...
I know you care.
Course I do.
That's why I left early. To come and see you.
Oh, Norma!
No, no. This means we've got a chance, doesn't it?
I don't want to be with you.
I know you... I know you can't walk out on the kids again,
- but... - No. No buts. Nothing.
Not today, not tomorrow.
Not ever.
Why don't you just say it for once?
That you know that there is never gonna be a me and you.
I can't.
Oh, Norma. For heaven's sake, look at you.
You're living outside my window. For what? For this?
Are you really that desperate?
No...
You're all I've got.
Then you haven't got anything.
Say it.
There's never gonna be...
a me and you.
And there you go.
DOOR SLAMS
KNOCK ON DOOR
I bet that's him, now.
Puppy dog expression and flowers from a service station.
Better fuckin' had be.
What time do you call this?
Sorry, Paddy. I thought you were Jamie.
Karen...
That's why I'm here.
Where is he, Mimi?
It's OK, love, he's here.
It's all right. He'll be all right. Come on.
Be strong for him.
Go on, love.
Jamie?
Hey.
HE GROANS
What happened?
Fucking Mark.
Decided to pull a robbery.
Honestly, Karen, I didn't know.
But we were on the bike, and next thing I knew...
...going too fast. Lost control.
What were you thinking?
He stuck a gun on me.
I was so fucking stupid for trusting him.
If this goes to court...
Yeah, I know.
I could be looking at ten years.
- Ten fucking years, Karen. - Don't say that, please.
If that does happen, don't...
Don't wait for me.
You don't deserve that. You don't deserve
to be another Maguire woman, visiting prison every week.
I won't let that happen.
You might not have a choice, Karen.
PHONE BEEPS
- On guard! - Argh!
Shit, sorry!
What the fuck did you do that for?
Well, you know, I was just trying to help...
Getting the old reflexes greased. Big day today, eh?
That fuckin' hurt!
Well, you know, you've got to be ready at any time, son.
You know, coiled like a tiger, prepared to pounce.
- You show a left, a right! - Argh! Jesus!
Now, that wasn't my fault! You just walked onto that!
Stop hitting me, OK?
I'm not hitting you!
Helping.
Well, cheers(!)
Hey! No self pleasure, son. Keep the juice firmly in the tank.
< Karen...
< Karen!
What?!
I said, is it OK for me to take an hour off?
It is Carl's big fight tonight, and all that.
Yeah. Actually, just take the day off and come back for the evening shift.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Karen...
I'm fine.
Shaza? Shaza, I just wanted to say,
I'm sorry about last night.
No, no, it's fine.
What, really?
Yeah. Nothing I like better than someone buggering off
halfway through the night the moment my back's turned(!)
There was something I had to do. And, well, um...
...I'm gonna be in The Jockey later.
I'm busy, Norma.
Right... Let's get this over with.
First round, you come out, throw a couple, looking good.
Then, about a minute in, no sooner, you let him tag you,
- and thud, drop like a stone. - What?!
First round, remember?
Wait...
You want me to take a dive?
Christ Almighty, you didn't actually think you had a chance?!
- I've been doing really well. - Three fights, three KOs!
Of course you've done well. All those fellas you knocked out,
they were under my orders. You can't bet on proper fights any more.
Corruption's ruined the sport. So we lay wagers on the juniors.
With your great performances, the odds on you going down in the first round are tasty.
You used me.
Ah! Don't be a baby about it.
You're getting a 5% slice of the winnings.
So you'd better make it look convincing.
All right?
PADD Y SLAPS CARL'S BACK
You never know.
You might get lucky.
The other fighter might injure himself climbing into the ring.
Or I might knock him out.
Yeah.
I mean, if I really work hard at it, for once, a proper go for it.
This is my chance! Go out there, show Paddy, show 'em all,
that the Chatsworth Pounder doesn't go down.
"The Chatsworth Pounder"?!
Don't you like it?
You sound like a gay porn star.
Ask me if I'm ready.
Are you ready?
I were born ready.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
PEOPLE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
Keep you eye on him and fucking stick him one!
BELL RINGS
HEARTBEATS, DISTORTED SOUND
CHEERING
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
- Fucking hell! ...8, 9... out!
CHEERING
You've gotta stop her. She's already measuring my room for new wallpaper.
She's gonna get a lodger.
Shouldn't bother you. It won't be your room any more.
Yeah, but I'll need somewhere to stay if I come back.
It's Islamabad, not Bolton. You can't just nip home... Thanks.
Maybe I should stay a bit longer.
It's an arranged marriage, Meena.
You can't just back out of it when you feel like it.
I could help you, though.
Auntie Shaza, please.
I just need a bit more time. Not for me, for me mum.
I'm worried about her.
Oh, right. Not cos you've got cold feet?
No.
A lot of hassle for me. And your mum.
Family reputation. You could help there, though.
Anything.
Your A-Levels. You sit them properly.
It's good for the family, Meena.
You know, smart daughter. Something to show off about.
No, of course.
Thank you.
Risky, that.
Worked, though.
Well, yeah.
One day, I hope to fuck somebody can explain to me how I managed to raise
such an ungrateful little cow of a daughter.
Yeah.
She loves you, too.
Hiya.
Hey. Is Jamie around?
He's in hospital.
What?! I thought he said to come here.
That wasn't him. That was me.
(Fuck!)
Has he said anything, about me?
He is a mate, isn't he?
Mates don't shove each other into the shit.
It doesn't have to be that way, though.
I can't go to the police. I just got out. They'll crucify me!
Ten years he's looking at because of you.
And I don't know what he feels worse about -
that, or the fact that somebody he trusted did this to him.
Help him... please.
It's not too late.
HE SIGHS
Sorry.
Yeah...
I'm sorry too.
Karen...
Karen? Karen?!
Karen?! >
KAREN?! >
CRASHING FROM DOWNSTAIRS
< KAREN!
Our boy downstairs.
He's kindly agreed to speak to the police.
Tell them our Jamie had nothing to do with it.
You all right?
Give it five minutes until you come down, OK?
Jay.
Stan says they're dropping all the charges. Mark's confessed.
Even admitting pulling a gun on you.
You're in the clear.
Guess I am, yeah.
Thanks.
Agh! Bell end! >
Let's just get you to bed.
I thought I'd never hear you say that again.
(Karen) Dick.
Shane!
- Got his crutch. - Do you wan' a go?
Remind me never to trust anyone again, yeah?
Came through for you, though.
Yeah.
He did.
And you. Are you OK?
Just glad to have you back.
That's not what I meant.
I'm fine.
Karen, whatever it is you did...
I didn't do anything.
Just tell me.
Really.
Are you OK?
I married you, didn't I?
Makes me a Maguire whether I like it or not.
First round, I said. Not first fucking punch.
Do you know how suspicious that looked?
Fucking idiot!
What are you so happy about?
I got paid.
What about your self-respect? All that stuff?
Fuck that! I got paid. And I can pay some losers to resit me exams for me.
There's no harm in taking the money and running.
That's what made this nation great, cowardice and greed.
Couldn't sub us a tenner, could you?
Made me very a proud man, son.
(Norma) 'They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
'I don't know about that.
'Maybe it just scares the shite out of you so you don't do it again.
'Find yourself back where you started.
'Born with nothin', die with nothin'.
'Maybe time to finally give up. Maybe time to... '
Three rules. One, you're buying the pints.
Two, this doesn't mean anything. We're just having a drink.
And three, closing time's in half an hour so you'd better shift
that arse of yours.
(Norma) 'What was I talking about, again?
'Oh, aye. Some shite about existence or summat.
'A smarter person than me once said, "The tragedy of life is not that it
"'ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."
'I prefer the way the Austrian one-hit wonders Opus put it.
'Life.
'Life is life.'
Agh! Shit!
Four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's out!
BELL RINGS